An observation of the “process”

Fellow potatoes, I’ve been quietly drowning in self pity recently.

I’ve always heard the phrase “enjoy the process.” As someone who is very “how do I get from A to B REAL QUICK?” I never really understood it. Fortunately or not (time will tell), I’ve had the luxury of observing a “process” recently.

I handed in my notice 4 weeks ago and needed a place to go. Why?
There are a whole heap of reasons, but because I want to remain somewhat professional, we’ll boil it down to me not being the right fit for the company. I have worked since the age of 16 and always had a job before leaving the current one. Handing in my notice without anywhere to go is a move that is rare for someone like me. Yet I did it because I needed to choose myself.

Every day I was feeling dread, and my entire day was filled with stress. Dont get time to eat or pee, and when I do get a second, I’m so overwhelmed with the amount of things I need to “catch up” on that it paralyses me. I am an ex-consultant, it’s not that chaos is new to me. It comes to the fact that I’m older, and that means I have less patience than I did when I was younger, so when I have to deal with childish behaviour, my tolerance is next to zero. Or perhaps it’s because I give a damn. When you’re passionate by nature, it hits you harder; you take things more personally. It’s the price you pay when you care.

I’m now at a crossroad: whether to make my own “home” or find a “home” where I can achieve my dreams. I understand and appreciate the “bravery” of you amazing potatoes who took a leap of faith and chose to follow what is right for them so much more now. You both inspire me and make me envious. Navigating an ambiguous project now seems far easier than the consistency required to succeed on your own. I also think you need a certain level of wisdom before you can do so (and be successful). I have yet to accumulate said wisdom. Nor have I built up my tolerance for workplace politics, so I’ll wait. I have so much more to learn, many more industries to explore honestly, and many more leaders to meet and gain inspiration from.

So charming potato? What is the point of all this? Where are you going now?

I’ve decided to still do something about changing my “home”. I want to take some more ownership and change my environment. I want some time to figure out what my long-term plan looks like. To do so, the hybrid contracting approach is the way forward. It might give me the time and more freedom over what I do with myself that I need right now. I need help with sourcing these contracts first. In the same way, my problem is to get clients if I want to build something of my own. I have always been a horrible salesperson. My honesty means sales is not the right professional environment for me to thrive, but where do I find people who need project and product managing services that care about honesty?

With so many unknowns in life right now, this process is proving to be filled with anxiety, heartache, and uncertainty. I’d be lying if I did not admit that despite the storm, a small glimmer of hope and excitement exists, but given the burdens of being an adult and responsibilities, it’s hard to see those smaller sparks when the ” what-ifs ” tornado is clouding my vision.

Maybe I’ll come back and write on a more positive note next time?

All my love,

CP x